In this episode, Emile Steenveld shares some awesome tips on how to stop letting others affect you. We all know what it’s like… someone flips out at us or is going through some personal trauma and we get “pulled” into it or even worse, blamed. If this is something you struggle dealing with or just want to know how to get even better at protecting your own energy, you’ll want to listen to this.

ABOUT EMILE STEENVELD

Emile Steenveld has been an Emotional Intelligence and Flow Coach for the past nine years. He has worked with business leaders from Australia, Dubai, America and more. Emile helps leaders break down their limiting beliefs and old habits that sabotage their growth and results so that they can step into their power and leadership.

Here are some of the key highlights and takeaways from the episode:

• • A lot of people focus on IQ. They gain more grades and diplomas. But the people who are actually leading in the world are the people with the highest EQ because they are able to understand how they work and how other people think. If you can do that, you can connect with more people, get better results, have way better relationships, and be happier.
  • If you have the best relationship with yourself, you can have the best relationships with other people as well. By going deeper with yourself and understanding what your patterns and limiting beliefs are, and building a lot more self-awareness around them, you will be able to go deeper with people.
  • It starts with being present. Being present with someone is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
  • Let them go through their thing. It’s about just being with them in that space. It’s about understanding what they’re going through and not trying to solve it but just allow them to experience it.
  • Quit trying to solve people’s problems and just HEAR them. That’s the biggest problem these days, we think someone is going through a problem, we have to solve it straight away. If we can listen and actually be present with them and allow it to come up, that’s going to be the biggest release they can have.
  • When we have these thoughts, feelings, and emotions, we think that we shouldn’t be having them. We think “I don’t like it, I want to push it down.” We judge ourselves for having human feelings and say things like, “I shouldn’t be feeling this.” This pulls us into a story that goes into another story and spirals into another one until all of a sudden we’re in a funk. Instead, just BE WITH IT. We must allow ourselves to experience feelings in order to move through them.
  • Get an idea of your unique concerns, critiques, and complaints about yourself, others and the world. Once you do that, you can be aware of your thought patterns and break through them.
  • Remember: everybody wants to be seen, heard, and loved. We want approval and acceptance. We all want the same thing!
  • When we allow things to come up instead of suppressing them, that’s when we start to move the energy instead of it continuing to come up every single day. It will come up until you deal with it.
  • What we resist, persists. It actually festers and grows.
  • Projectors are people who will project their stuff onto you because they don’t like the feeling of pain and responsibility.
  • Responsibility is being able to respond to the situation instead of react. If I’m unable to respond to a situation, then I’m in blame. When I’m in blame, I am giving my power away because I’m stuck. The moment I blame somebody for how I’m feeling, I can’t change it.
  • Responsibility = freedom and empowerment.
  • Blame = loss of power and disempowerment.
  • When someone is blaming you, be responsible enough to ask, “did I play a part in this?” Sometimes you may and sometimes you may not have. But you have to ask the question first. Then ask, “when did you feel that I was an instigator to your issue?” Ask the question so you can better understand.
  • Seek to understand instead of projecting back and forth in a projection ping-pong match!
  • When people are projecting, they don’t want to feel uncomfortable. It’s easier to project to somebody else than take responsibility and deal with it internally. Hurt people hurt people.
  • When someone is blaming you for something, whether it’s just a small encounter like getting mad at someone who cut you off in traffic, the ultimate highest level of power is when you still seek to understand how you could have been responsible for it.

“If you take 100% responsibility for everything that goes on, no matter what, you’re going to be 100 times more in your power.“

• • If you take full responsibility for everything that’s going on, you are responsible for your future. If you keep bringing your past into the present and expecting a different future, it’s you that’s creating it.  
  • Blaming causes you to get stuck, lose freedom, take away choices, and lose trust. The moment we blame, we are giving our power away. Instead of getting mad about it, take responsibility to take your power back.
  • If someone is blaming you, you can respond or react. If you react, you are giving your power away. If you respond, you try to understand the situation and make a responsible, grounded choice.. It’s not about taking it personally, it’s about seeing where they’re coming from.
  • Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements: Second agreement “Don’t take anything personally because nothing they say or do is because of you. It’s a projection of them and their own world.”
  • The most healing step you can take is practicing compassion. Put yourself in their shoes. I seek to understand. When I do this, people feel heard and seen.
  • If you are getting pulled into it, step away. If you fight back, you are protecting your pride and ego. Take a step back before you respond if you are heated.
  • Set boundaries. Have values that you’re solid in. Be assertive. Being a people pleaser does not serve anybody. By being assertive, you get to say no to things and speak out when it’s not right or just.
  • Assertiveness does not mean your values are more important than mine, it means that I won’t sacrifice mine for yours.

Emile also shared his steps on how to respond when someone is projecting or blaming:

1. Step 1: Assess the situation. See what’s happening in front of you. Be present with it
2. Step 2: Don’t take it personally. Know it’s something they’re going through. It’s about them and not your business.
3. Step 3: Step into compassion. Ashley suggests to visualize them as a little child because after all, it is their innocence that is acting out. If they knew how to handle it better, they would. Step away for a bit if you’re getting pulled into it or if you start to feel heated.
4. Step 4: Set clear boundaries and be assertive about them. They are no one’s but yours to protect and keep.

You can connect with Emile Steenveld on Instagram (@EmileSteenveld) and Twitter. You can also check out his next event in which is actually in Bali (the location changed since the recording of this episode). You can learn more about the event by visiting elevatetribe.net.

If that was as powerful for you as it was for me, please leave a rating or review! You can check out the full episode on SoundCloud, Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

OR you can watch it on my YouTube Channel: